When Feeling Depressed, Hang On To Something, Anything
A Lesson I Learnt From My Blind Date With Depression
Author Note:
I am going on a break from 31st July (Sun) to 15th August (Mon). I need to rest and recharge my creative batteries before I jump into the August cohort of Ship 30 for 30.
You can read about it, in detail, here.
Trigger warning: If you feel uncomfortable reading about depression and suicidal thoughts, you can skip this essay.
If you asked me whether I would like to re-live my college days, I would reply with ABSOLUTELY NOT!
College was the worst time of my life, mentally. (Spiritually, it was the best thing that happened to me, but that's a topic for another day.)
In the second year of my graduation, 2014, I finally realised I was depressed.
My whole life was a mess in 2014.
My grandmother was on her deathbed and became the crankiest she ever was. My brother was going through his own marital issues, which made him go into his own shell. My sister-in-law was non-existent. My mother was trying to be the glue that kept the family together - a job she had been doing since 1981. My "supposed" best friend betrayed me and took our mutual friend along with her. My other classmates didn't know I existed. And the education system was failing me as all it wanted was I pass the exams, not necessarily learn anything, and give everyone generalised marks. Plus, I had all the unfortunate baggage from my childhood.
So to say that I was lonely and sad would be an understatement.
Nothing in my life was going on right. And I couldn't find a way to make things right.
I realised I was depressed the same day I had my first suicidal thought.
I was sitting alone in a lecture room during one of those in-between free classes when I wondered which would be the easiest way to die.
Even before I could find an answer to that question, I heard myself ask - What will happen after I die?
This one question gave me the hope I needed to continue living.
Three Things I Found That I Could Hang Onto For My Dear Life
When I asked myself the question - What will happen after I die? - without even flinching, a voice inside me replied the following:
One - Who will marry Shahid Kapoor if you die?
Two - What will happen to Mummy if you die?
Three - What will happen to all my books?
Now the first one I know is silly. I knew it was immature back then as well.
You see, at that time, I was in love with Bollywood actor Shahid Kapoor, and I believed that I was the only one who could love him the way he deserved.
I blame this on my young hormones, but thinking about this point did make me laugh at my own silliness and come out of that depressive mood.
The second point is an important one.
My mother had an unhappy and unsupported married life. I somehow turned into her best friend. My mother referred to me (and she still does) as her rock, her Saint Peter.
It didn't even take me a moment to realise how miserable and lonely my mother would become if I wasn't around.
The third point is something I didn't realise at that time was my life's calling. But it was still an important enough thought to make me pause.
When the voice asked What will happen to all my books?, I thought she was talking about the books on my shelf. What would happen to my collection if I wasn't around?
Now, 15 years later, I realise that the voice was saying what would happen to all my books, the books I am destined to write.
Nonetheless, the thought that my library would turn into a neglected orphan pained me.
The moment I went through this conclusion, I cursed under my breath and said - Nope, I can't die.
During that phase, I had my suicidal thought come thrice to me, and every time these three questions from my inner voice would break my illusion.
And I am glad my inner voice helped me find something to hang onto.
Shahid Kapoor is now happily married. (Not to me)
My mother and I are thick as thieves, and the older we get, the sillier we become.
And my books (both my collection and the ones I will write) are the centre of my universe.
I am glad I made it out through that depressive phase. I am also happy that I went into that depressive phase because it made me realise that some things in life are worth living for.
So if you are feeling sad and depressive, hang on to something, anything. A silly crush, a loved one, a dream. Anything.
Stick around, and I promise you'll make it through.
