I Thought I Was Dying Today
It started last night.
It started last night.
It was 1pm, and I was still awake. I was having pain, and an electric sensation in my left arm and my heartbeats were all over the place. Finally, when the uneasiness didn't ease-out, I woke up my mother. She gave me some Homeopathy meds, tried to calm me down with some soothing words. Eventually, I fell asleep.
I woke up at around 7 in the morning. The first thought that came to me was, "Thank you, God, for letting me live another day."
But by breakfast, I knew I still wasn't ok.
I somehow forced myself to eat, all the while feeling dizzy. My hands were cold and numb, and I couldn't keep my head up. Breathing was taking some effort, while my heartbeats decided to dance again. I was scared to get up, believing I might fall. We decided it was best we paid the doctor a visit.
We went to a cardiologist. The recent news of young people (including Indian actors Siddharth Shukla and Puneeth Rajkumar) dying of heart attacks has scared me. So I wanted to be sure it wasn't my heart that was having some problem.
After spending half of the first day of November testing and checking, it turns out my heart is first class. Nothing to worry about there. I'll be getting a blood report done tomorrow morning to check that all my levels are ok. As with the arm pain, I'll pay a visit to a physiotherapist in a week. Years back, I once injured my left wrist, helping my mother take care of my bedridden grandmother.
Turns out it was a panic attack I was suffering.
And coincidentally, it happened precisely after one year of my first panic attack.
And, not surprisingly, stress is the primary culprit.
I have had problems before. I dealt with depression in 2014 as well. But with the Covid situation and the uncertainty that followed and is still present, my stress levels have gone through the roof.
I am stressed about my weight, irregular periods, work, personal life, family, friends, stray dogs, the world, and the people around me. I feel and overthink everything. After all, I am an INFJ, so it comes with the package.
I have to learn how to take care of myself. To not worry too much. To not take things too seriously. To be kind and gentle with me.
This wasn't what I had planned to write and publish here today. But the day had other plans for me.
I felt ok enough to pop in here and share my day and experience with you.
What I want you (and me) to take from this is - just relax. Just breathe. It's ok to not do everything. It's ok to take a day off. It's more important to take care of your health and listen to your body than to check another task off the list or another day off the calendar. You won't fail if you miss a day.