Are You Struggling With Your Artist Self? It's Your Ego And Your Soul At War.
With Time, Patience, Persistence And Love, We'll Figure Out The Balance Between Them.
Recently, I have been at war with myself.
The fight is between what I want to write and what I should write.
Soul Writing vs Social Writing.
I must stay consistent with my Social Writing and post two weekly essays.
But I also want to go in a flow state with my novel in my Soul Writing.
For Social Writing, I have to be... social.
For Soul Writing, I need quiet and solitude to let the words flow through me.
I need to stick to my schedule and niche for Social Writing.
In Soul Writing, the Writing Gods have full rein; I am just a messenger.
Social Writing, inevitably, tickles my ego.
Soul Writing calms my soul.
So why am I at war with myself?
Because my ego is satisfied with calling itself a writer by writing online, but my soul is sad. It is unhappy because it is not getting the time and energy it deserves to write its novels.
This reminds me of Julia Cameron's theory of shadow artists.
Shadow artist are
"Individuals who had some artistic inclinations but were nurtured enough to not pursue that line but a line close enough to feel a part of it."
Examples of shadow artists would be -
Creatives who want to be writers but become editors, feeling safe and society-approved.
Creatives who loved painting as a child but as an adult became art collectors because they were never pushed to try out painting as a career.
Creatives often date or marry people who actively pursue the art career they secretly long for.
Shadow artists choose shadow careers - close to the desired art but not the art itself.
Why do we become shadow artists?
Because we get "caught between the dream to take action and become artists and the fear of failure and collective rejection."
Maybe that is what's happening with me.
With my writing online, I have become a shadow writer. I have unconsciously chosen a writing career that is close to my desired art but is not the art itself.
In the summer of 2014, when I first had the epiphany of becoming a writer, this is what I heard the voice inside me say:
"What if I can write stories like Agatha Christie and make others feel what she makes me feel?"
I'd like to bring your attention to "write stories".
It's not that I don't want to write the articles I write here.
I want to share the lessons I am learning in life, the books that are changing my life, and what I am learning about what it means to be a writer and a creative person in this modern age.
When I started writing online, that's what I did. But along the way, I forgot to make time for my stories to satisfy the algorithms and strangers on the internet. Cut that; I had no time or energy left for my stories.
I don't want to be the writer who teaches about writing or edits someone else's work but doesn't get to write her own stories.
I would love to do both, but first, I want to be a writer.
So the question arises - What should I do?
I don't have the complete answer yet, but this is what I have come up with so far.
Earlier, I used to write and post my articles every day (except Sunday), then it became thrice a week, and now I have shifted to twice a week.
I am hoping that this will free up some time that I can dedicate to writing my stories.
It's been a month since I have put this into practice, and it's too short of a duration to say if it's working. Hopefully, I'll have a progress report to share in a couple of more months.
Why am I writing this 700-word long article on my artistic turmoil?
Because if you are going through a similar phase, I want to tell you that you're not alone.
We all are trying to figure out what it means to us to be a writer. And also we are trying to find our place in this big, wide world.
(And if you're an Introvert or INFJ or Empath or a person with an invisible illness, we have it a little more challenging than others.)
But I also know that with time, patience, persistence and love, we'll figure out the balance between our ego and soul.
